White Magic

Life Builder at 40? White magic might qualify to be called a life builder? I agree and here is why..

No one knows what waits for us today or tomorrow. You may think you are a good Christian and God loves you. Sure! I believe in that too. But have you ever thought of why we always look for explanations of why we did something in any unacceptable socially way (not the good deeds, of course… there is no need to explain those). Have you ever thought of what your kid in born to? Why did you get pregnant, I mean.

We, as separate units of the Universe, have our own paths in life. That path is in our DNA since we are born (it is put there by our parents) or built in, like a refurbished computer with a new code.

Often times, we don’t know why certain things happen to us and what is the purpose of it. Why the ugly girls get to marry a very kind handsome millionaire and the pretty ones end up alone for the rest of their lives. Why do some people seems to be having it all, why you are struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes, it seems like your life is just the Black Hole that will never be a normal stream of average daily stuff.

I’m one of those people myself. I tend to live my life & analyze what happens to me. Now, I’m almost 40 and it is the time to share my knowledge.

Close your eyes and answer yourself, honestly… Have you ever tried to build your happiness on someone’s ruins? Did your parents plan for you to be born? These two simple questions will probably draw a bigger picture of yourself than any therapist will ever be able to.

A half of my life, I’ve been striving to walk all over people for my own benefits. That was just my personality. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I always tried to justify it with many explanations, not necessarily reasonable ones. Normal life just was not for me. Did I gain what I wanted from life? Yes. Did I have to pay for my sins later? Yes! Then I came to the point in my life where I have realized that paying for my sins just doesn’t stop. The pain becomes the Black Hole. Everything I touch gets destroyed. My life gets destroyed more and more with each day, or sometimes even a second.

I lost all my money, I became an addict, I stopped noticing anything good in my life. The Black Hole was smiling at me and was saying flirtatiously , “Get closer, I’ll hug you and will never let go.”

Going to church to help myself was not working anymore. Two hour drive on Sundays, crying in church, donating money, helping other people… All that was just hopes to heal that never became reality. Sorry, God. I know you love me (I have to keep saying that), but … do you really hear me?

I kept denying any idea about any magic. “Magic? No magic! I don’t do any magic! Magic is bad!”, I kept saying to myself. But one day I gave in, and…. I think, for the better.

That same week, after the ritual, I had an overdose, I almost died, but came back to life. I never used any drugs ever since. Got clean.

I found energy to ask for life advice and actually took it. Started studying for my career. My brain started to process the studies surprisingly well. My family, all of the sudden, started to notice that I’m actually a good mom and a good wife, no matter what. I started to take care of my looks and loving myself. I set up my daily life to be paying back to people I stole from. I started to notice good things in my life and appreciate them. Seems like my life ended up on the opposite side of the Black Hole. Like I was born again & had a completely different brain this time. I started to like things I never liked before. Normal things. I relaxed and was just enjoying peaceful life I was finally having.

I built my life from scratch at almost 40.


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